MRI Results

We are so incredibly lucky. It will never be lost on us HOW lucky we are. 

I know you all are tired of me talking about this; I realize that.  No one is more tired of it than Kirk, so I will do my best to make this my last blog dedicated to Kirk being sick and/or getting healthy.

Everything we have been through is more than any person should go through. It is still our everyday. It is still something we talk about every.single.day. It is still something that haunts us when we have a cough, sore throat or are just not feeling ourselves. It's something we get anxious about all the time. 

There are things I will never get out of my head and can never be erased. Seeing my husband hooked up to machines, the mad rush of doctors when he first got to the ICU, everyone asking me if he's alcoholic, the 6 days of 24 hour dialysis, hearing the beeps of all the machines, the cooling blanket on him to keep his temperature down, his puffy hands and face, the ventilator, the doctors coming in all the time, his bloody eyes, the ICU psychosis. These are a quarter of the images I will never get out of my head. Oh, but the first time he squeezed my hand; one of my only favorite memories from his 3 week ICU stay. 

I want to say we have this whole new outlook on life. I want to say we don't let little things bother us anymore, but we do. People still drive us crazy when they are driving too slow or don't say thank you when we hold the door for them. I'm guessing that's totally normal but I will always remember everyone is going through something. I've had more than one conversation with people who told me they had no idea Kirk was as sick he was. I'm definitely not saying this to talk about how great I am and how little I let on, but I will say I realized during those weeks everyone is fighting a battle and no one needed the burden of my life when they were dealing with their own problems.  I admit, though, I did want to yell at people more than once who were rude to me and tell them what was going on in my life because I'm pretty sure that's a battle I would have won (here's looking at you rude lady in the Henry Ford cafeteria who told me I was putting something non-recyclable in recycling! I mean, recycling is one of my thangs, lady!). 

Kirk got his MRI results and it was good. And we are so happy, so relieved, so thankful, so aware that not everyone is as lucky as us. I was on the verge of losing my husband and I while I wish I were exaggerating, I'm not. When his brother and I got to the hospital after he was life flighted to Henry Ford, we were in Kirk's room while all the nurses and doctors worked on him. He was conscious then, but doesn't have much of a memory of that time. I wanted Kirk to know I was there knowing he may not remember it. Each time we made eye contact I said "I love you" because I was afraid I would never be able to tell him again. 

I am lucky and grateful and thankful I can tell Kirk I love him everyday. I made it through those hard days because of him and because I knew if he made it, our life would be better because of what we had been through. Sometimes you have to go through some really shitty stuff to get to the good parts. I feel like I'm being extra cheesy right now, but isn't it true?  Life will not always be easy or go the way we expect. Life throws some major curveballs and you deal with them because you have to and because you love your family and your husband and you love the life you have created together. 

In the three days before the MRI, I found 2 pennies and three feathers (the third feather went floating passed me as I walked into Meijer). Finding them made me feel more at peace then I have about any previous testing Kirk has had done. 

We are anxious for the holidays and anxious for January. Anxious because it'll have been a year since Kirk got sick. A year I am ready to put behind us, but a year I'm not sure I want to forget. A year when we learned so much about ourselves, our kids and other people. A year that didn't go as planned and we are learning to be ok with that. Mostly because we have to and partly because what else are you going to do? Kirk is healthy (relatively speaking). The kids and I are doing well. What more can you ask for?  Our life is so good. So very, very good. 

Four Years Young

On the 22nd, Isadora turned 4. 4!  I continue to be in shock as each year passes fast as the speed of light!

Isa is our spirited child. She is my sidekick, Lincoln is her very favorite person and she is a daddy's girl. When Kirk went back to work we all had to do some adjusting, but Is had the hardest time. She would tell me, "I miss Daddy" and my heart would break. She's done better than we thought she would with Lincoln gone at school all day. However, she does tell me she's ready to go pick him up a couple hours before it's time. 

Lincoln and Isa could not be more different but they are each other's best friend.  They fight, they play, they wrestle, they make each other laugh. I stinkin' love their relationship. 

I asked Is the same questions I asked Lincoln his first day of school. Her answers:

Favorite color: pink

Favorite toy: baby

Favorite fruit: grapes

Favorite tv show: *i refuse to put her answer here*

Favorite lunch: ham sandwich

Favorite outfit: dress

Favorite game: hide and seek

Favorite snack: Goldfish

Favorite animal: zebra

Favorite book: Lego book

Best friends: Brynn and Lexi

Favorite cereal: Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Favorite thing to do outside: play

Favorite drink: orange juice

Favorite holiday: Halloween 

Favorite thing to take to bed: baby

Favorite breakfast: pears and apples

Favorite dinner: pasta

What she wants to be when she grows up: baker

Favorite song: Let It Go

Love this girl. Love this face.  Love her spunky little attitude. 

Happiest of days to our sunshine girl!

Signs from Heaven

Do you believe in those little signs from heaven?  The ones that make you feel like someone, somewhere is watching you?

A few entries ago, I mentioned that I had been finding pennies. It started when Kirk was first home and I was at the gym. I found pennies there a few times; by the weights, by the trash can in the locker room. It sounds completely random but I always found them on appointment days.  I always have found comfort in those pennies. 

Right before Kirk's appointment with the liver doctor in May, I found one penny in a parking lot at Briarwood Mall. The kids and I went into the mall while Kirk was in therapy and hung out. We were sitting in the middle seating area in the mall and when I got up to leave, I found two pennies I had been sitting on. 

Our parents have both said they find pennies in random places. Kirk found a penny in Lincoln's booster seat last week. No idea how it could have gotten in there. 

These days, I find feathers everywhere. In the yard, on the sidewalk, as I'm walking out of the gym at 6:00 in the morning. 

Last week we were out to dinner and both kids were under the table (don't judge--anything for a little peace at dinner) and when they both came back to the table, they had each found a penny. 

Last week Isa was whining because her iPhone (my old phone) wasn't working and was frozen. She gave it to Kirk and it was frozen on a picture of a penny. He didn't take a screenshot though he wishes he had. 

I don't know if any of these things are really signs from a loved one or if they are all just coincidences, but I like to think they are signs. I like to think someone is looking down on us letting us know everything is going to be ok. Someone (or someones) wants us to know they are thinking about us and they see us and they want to send us something to know they are always there. 

I hope we keep finding these little signs. I hope we continue to stumble across the pennies and feathers because the comfort I find in them surprises me. 

Kirk does need an MRI. After his appointment with the liver doctor at the end of August, she decided she wanted him to repeat his labs and also schedule an MRI. The radiologist who read his CT scan just wants to make sure there isn't another abscess on his liver. Neither of us thinks this is the case, but we do need to be sure. 

I hope these pennies and feathers we have found mean it will all be a-ok. Because in my heart, that's what I believe. 

Kindergarten for Lincoln

How did this happen?!  I never believed people who said time flies faster the older kids get. It's true!

I asked Lincoln the following questions. I haven't asked him in a couple years so

I know his answers have changed a lot!

Favorite color: blue and red

Favorite toy: dinosaurs 

Favorite fruit: watermelon

Favorite tv show: Dinotrux

Favorite thing to eat for lunch: PB&J

Favorite outfit: jeans and a button down

Favorite game: t-ball

Favorite snack: marshmallows

Favorite animal: spinosaurous

Favorite book: all dinosaur books

Best friend: Colin and Alex

Favorite cereal: Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Favorite thing to do outside: ride EZ-Roller

Favorite drink: water

Favorite holiday: Christmas

Favorite thing to take to bed at night: stuffed animals

Favorite breakfast: cereal

Favorite dinner: pizza

What do you want to be when you grow up: baseball player and paleontologist

Favorite song: Photograph by Ed Sheerhan

Can you tell he has a great love of dinosaurs?!

Today was a good day for Lincoln and no one shed a single tear!  I almost started crying this afternoon; I missed him so much!

Looking forward to getting our routine and schedule back. Lincoln has t-ball through the beginning of October so that will be hard with school. There will be a

few late nights. 

Isadora goes back to her school tomorrow for three half days a week. That means three half days a week of freedom for me!  Haha. 

Can't believe summer is over!  We had so much fun and so many adventures. There were friends I really wanted to see and I'm sorry! It just went so darn fast. 

Happy first day of school to the parents and happy day to everyone else. :)

6 Years Young

I'm finding it hard to believe Lincoln is 6. Crazy. Seems like just yesterday he was born. 

Those who know him know Lincoln is sweet, kind, quirky, lovable and he would do just about anything for Isadora. He loves t-ball, dinosaurs, sharks and fishing. I would have had a lot more kids if I knew they were going to be just like him. 

Today while we were driving home, we made a pit stop. Kirk and Lincoln got out to go potty and Isa and I stayed in the car. I was watching them as they walked into the rest area. They both turned simultaneously as a plane went overhead. Both of them turned around and Lincoln grabbed Kirk's hand as they made their way to the bathroom. I wanted to freeze time and make moments like those never stop. Lincoln grabbing Kirk's hand, Kirk taking his little hand in his. I know moments like those are fleeting but it is a moment etched in my mind; so sweet, so simple, so innocent.

Happy birthday to this kid. I miss the days of Thomas but look forward to all the exciting days ahead of us!

Overwhelming Anxiety

The anxiety is overwhelming. I mean, like holy cow I'm having trouble breathing, overwhelming. Like, my hands won't stop shaking overwhelming.  Like, holy crap, I think I am going to pass out before the appointment overwhelming. 

It's crazy. I don't know how people do it. There are people who have doctor appointments regularly where they could receive bad news.  I have no idea how people sleep and get through the days when they know anything could happen. Thinking it could be worse, thinking it HAS been worse, got me through the day. The day we went to the hepatologist and he told us we should begin the transplant process, I remember telling Kirk people had worse appointments that very day. It could have been worse. 

Yesterday's appointment was pretty much good. Repeat labs at some point soon after we get back from vacation. As long as Kirk's liver enzymes are trending downward, (they were high at his last blood draw) just follow up with the hepatologist in 3-4 months. Easy enough. If they are still high, further testing. 

We leave for vacation tomorrow. We decided against rustic camping and found a little cottage to spend the week. Looking forward to a week just hanging out, fishing, exploring and celebrating someone's 6th birthday. Finding it hard to believe this is our second to last week of summer!

I will have pictures on Instagram and post when we get home. 

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, texts. We ALL appreciate it!

Random Ramblings

Kirk and I have never run out of things to talk about. There has always been something to say. If it wasn't the kids, it was work. If it wasn't work, it was family. If it wasn't family, it was something else. You get the idea. These days we find ourselves talking about Kirk in the hospital. We talk about it all the time. We talk about it so much, we don't realize we are talking about it. Isadora got a new doll and I asked her what it's name was. Liver. She named it Liver. Guess they do hear what we are saying. 

I was at a golf outing (driving the cart, not golfing) and there just happened to be two guys Kirk went to high school with there. Totally random for sure, but I could tell how concerned they were and had been for Kirk, for me and for our family. I am STILL, to this very day, amazed by the support and love we have received and continue to receive. I can't believe it happened, I just can't. I think it will always feel that way. I think we will always look back at this time in our lives and wonder how we survived. I also think someday we will look back at this time and be in total awe of ourselves. We will be old and in a nursing home and wonder how we did it. 

We spend our nights rehashing the details. Kirk asking me if something happened or if it was one of his dreams. Me saying "do you remember when..." <insert Kirk laughing>. Kirk trying to pinpoint what went wrong. (I truly think this bothers him more than anything. He knows too much.) We talk about who we can sue. I kid, I kid. We aren't suing anybody. Still, even now, I look back and am amazed by all he went through. 

I want to say we don't have anxiety before he has an appointment, but we both do. With the kidney failure, liver failure and sepsis, Kirk also had a blood clot in his portal vein (he also had two large abscesses on his liver, but that's a different story) and has been on a blood thinner since January. This week he has a CT scan in order to determine if they can discontinue the blood thinner or if the hepatologist would like him to continue with the Lovenox shots. 

When Kirk came home from the hospital, he came home with a PICC line and a drain in his liver for the two 9 cm abscesses. I gave him antibiotics through his PICC line every night for a month, he would empty the drain and give himself his Lovenox shot. He was on so many medications at the time, we had to sort them out by morning, lunch, dinner and nighttime. The hepatologist took him off the liver medications in May. He didn't get off antibiotics until the beginning of July. It took that long for the abscesses to be completely healed.  

Monday, Kirk has an appointment with the rehab doctor he saw during his stay at U of M. It's an appointment we are both looking a little forward to. It will be nice to see a doctor who treated him when he was inpatient and helped Kirk through some really hard days, in particular the liver drain. That dang drain was so painful the whole time it was in. It will be nice for the rehab doctor to see how far he has come. Last time we saw him I'm not even sure if Kirk was walking with his walker yet. 

Just saying "Henry Ford" gives me a nervous stomach. Add hepatologist onto that and I'm a hot mess. This is in part due to a terrible appointment we had there a couple weeks after Kirk was discharged from UM. But even after a good appointment where another hepatologist took him off all his liver medications and told him she was pretty sure he did not have the autoimmune disease they thought he had, I'm still freaking out. We talk ourselves through the appointment and ask each other what the worst outcome would be. We are both feeling like the worst thing to come out of this appointment would be staying on blood thinners. And, in the scheme of things, that's not too bad. Although, the last time we didn't feel so bad about being there, the doctor recommended we start the transplant process. We can never get too comfortable!

I'm not sure why I'm saying all these things. We've been doing so much talking about what happened. The hospital, the ICU, the dreams Kirk had, rehab, how sick he was and how far he has come and what the road ahead of us looks like. I hope everyone feels like they can talk to us about the whole situation. I never want anyone to feel like they're saying the wrong thing. I was out with some friends a couple months ago and someone referenced a book and how hard it would be to feel like you may never see your husband again. She looked at me and felt so bad. I never want anyone to feel that way!  Ever!  Please!!  No one should ever feel like they can't say something around us. 

We are at this weird point where people have forgotten (but not really) what happened. We get it - your life goes on. No one else sees or talks to Kirk every single day. I think that makes it harder. We can't forget. We will never forget. Sure Kirk is on track to his new normal, but he is by no means 100%. Sure he's walking. Sure we've taken a couple trips. Sure he's working a little here and there. He is not 100%, but he's getting there one day at a time. 

This has made us different people from who we were a year ago. I hope this is something we never have to go through again and I hope it's something you will never have to experience in your life. Can I just say, though, I would do it again if I knew it was all going to be ok in the end. If I knew Kirk was going to be alright, I would do it again. Anyone who loves their spouse and their kids would. Those are the things you do for the people you love more than anyone on this earth. 

The golf outing I went to Friday was for Make-A-Wish. So very different from the road we traveled, but it brought me back to a place I hadn't been for a long time. There were some dark, dark days. There were days I wasn't sure would ever end. I cannot forget about those days when I'm having a bad day. My day today or yesterday wasn't bad. The night I got multiple calls from the ICU doctors was a terrible night. The day the doctor told me they weren't sure if Kirk was going to live or die was a bad day.  

Again, I'm not sure why I'm saying all these things other than to get them in writing. The days ahead are brighter than the days gone by. It doesn't matter how anxious we are about the appointments this week, they're happening whether we like it or not. And we've had worse days, worse nights and worse appointments.

Thank you again to everyone who has made our transition back to reality just a little bit easier. We will never be able to repay you. 

Camping Adventure

Our first experience in rustic camping. It was seriously so much fun!

I want to say how thankful we are to have even been able to take this trip; for a few reasons. Like I said in the last post, I booked these trips in February having no idea how Kirk would be feeling when we went on the trips and no idea when (or even if) he would be going back to work. I, selfishly, booked them for us because I felt we deserved it and I needed to have something to look forward to; I needed to feel like everything would be ok. Even then I felt like what we had been through warranted a family trip (or two, or three, if I'm honest). We've both gotten questions about how Kirk feels taking them or how his work feels about him leaving on trips as soon as he went back to work. We had no idea this would be the timing. And, danget, if there is one thing we have deserve after the last 7 months, it's a couple family vacations. #thankyouverymuch We don't feel guilty because we have no reason to feel guilty. This year has been hell. Dammit, we deserve it so please don't make either of us feel bad about it. And, can I just say, that even if your spouse hadn't spent 9 weeks in the hospital, even if the person you love hadn't spent a week on a vent, even if your husband or wife didn't have to regain all of their strength back, chances are you deserve a vacation, too. 

So, our trip. 

The last couple years, we have rented a cottage near Ludington and Manistee. Since we bought the pop-up last summer, we decided to put it to use this summer. We have spent a couple trips at a local campground, but nothing far from home and certainly not rustic. This trip was at Lake Michigan Recreation Area near Manistee. It was beautiful!  The campground itself has four "loops". Our site in the Orchid loop was big, not too close to any other neighbors and close to the bathrooms. No showers, of course, but there were flush toilets and running water.

One great thing about the campground, is the gorgeous beach. We weren't able to spend too much time there because the campground is in the middle of Nordhouse Dunes. Dunes and Kirk are not a good combo right now.

                                               

                                               

                                       

My parents rented a cottage for a few days about 45 minutes from our campground. We spent a couple days there with my whole family, which is always fun. My brother is such a good sport and our kids adore him!

Anyone else taken the Beanboozled challenge?  Is that even how you spell it?  Either way, it's where you are given a good Jelly Belly or a yucky one.  The yucky ones include barf, lawn clippings, rotten cheese, sweaty socks.  Gross but oh so fun!

My sister and her family were staying in Ludington. We spent most our days at the beach together in either Ludington or Manistee. I love the fact our kids have been able to enjoy a vacation (sort of) together every year. This year, the kids spent a lot of time in the water. Especially Lincoln, Gianna and Ellery. Isadora and Easton spent more time in the sand and Quin did a little of both.

                                                

                                                

                                                   

We didn't miss out on House of Flavors and thankfully, they still have sorbet for Isadora. I didn't get an actual picture of them eating ice cream, but we did get a picture afterward on the river walk in Manistee.

                                          

We had an absolutely wonderful vacation. It was full of family time and lots of really great memories. We do have one more trip at the end of the month. I can only hope it is as memorable as this one!

                                 

Quick Vacation Post

I am so incredibly grateful for today. All of us together on vacation isn't something I was sure would happen this summer. 

I booked two camping trips in February while Kirk was still in the hospital. I had to book the trips because it gave me something to look forward to. I remember telling Kirk and him telling me he wanted to be close to a hospital just to be safe. 

Crazy. 

This is just a quick post. A quick post to say we are all together, we are all happy and more thankful for these moments than we ever have been. 

Thank You

Christmas. My last post was during Christmas. How different our lives were then. We had no idea. 

I feel like most people know the basics and there is no need to rehash the whole story. Long story short, Kirk thought he had the flu but he was much more sick than we could ever imagine. He was in liver failure, kidney failure, septic and on a ventilator. He spent three weeks in the ICU at Henry Ford, a week on the floor, and five weeks at U of M for inpatient rehab. 

What happened? We don't know. It does not appear to be the autoimmune disease all the doctors we saw thought he had and he will not need a liver transplant. I can't tell you our relief at that news. 

I need to say thank you. I need to thank family, friends, random people who don't know me or Kirk, and anyone and everyone who has helped us along this journey. I haven't found the words to say thank you. How do you say thank you to people who didn't know what to do, but did something anyway? Thank you just doesn't seem like enough. 

I will never forget being in the ICU and never knowing if I would see my husband again. Never knowing if I would hear his voice again. I called his voicemail over and over and over just to hear him say "Kirk Schultz". I thought about my kids. What would I say? Where will we go? What the hell would we do? I sobbed. Bawled. Literally fell to my knees. For 16 years Kirk has been the person I turn to when something in my life is wrong and I appreciated everyone offering to help, but I just wanted my husband; my very best friend. 

I did learn to accept that people really did want to help and do whatever they can. I learned there are few things anyone could have said to make me feel better in my darkest days. I learned meals are not always the best option (though I appreciated all the food!). I learned a hug goes a long way. I heard people say to me day after day they didn't know what to say. I learned those people needed a hug as much as I did. We live in a city where we have no family and very few friends. I didn't realize how many until we found ourselves needing friends. Our neighbors shoveled and snowblowed, Isadora's school brought food, babysat and offered free day care, a friend picked my kids up from school everyday for almost 9 weeks, another made food, another offered money and her sister's (I've literally met her sister one time) work took up a collection and gave us gift cards and money. The photographer who has taken the kids' pictures the last few years offered us a free session and pictures. And here I thought we had only a few friends in Howell. 

The outpouring of love is unreal. I mean really amazing. Our families and friends have gone beyond anything we could have imagined. It's truly amazing. My brother and my sister spent days and weekends with the kids. I would call a friend and ask if they could help. She would drop everything just to be here. And Kirk's co-workers? Nothing short of amazing. 

We've made it today. Holy cow. I cannot believe it. I can't believe this all happened. I just can't. I look at Kirk today and am in complete awe of him. He is a walking miracle. He lost 50 lbs. It was weeks before he could take even one step. When he first got to UM he had no strength. He couldn't hold his electric razor with one hand to shave. Today he is walking with his cane about 50% of the time. Truthfully, he needs it much less. He will start back at work very part time in July. It's been great having him home and watching him get stronger every single day. The kids love it, but he's ready to get some normalcy back in his life. 

The kids. Our little troopers. Our little monsters. I freaking adore these two little kiddos. I hate bragging about my kids because those people annoy me, but they truly have been amazing through all of this. My goal was always to keep things as normal as possible for them. I never wanted them to feel neglected and I always wanted to be home for them in the morning or at night. We went to dance and swimming, they never missed school and people stepped up to help me. I never could have done this on my own. My Mom (holy cow my Mom. A lifesaver.) was here every single week for weeks helping me, the kids, cooking, cleaning; anything to make my life easier. It was weeks before the kids saw Kirk. It was Valentine's Day. What a special Valentine's Day. One of them will occasionally bring up the hospital or Kirk being sick, but I don't expect them to forget. This was a huge event in all our lives. 

I find myself wondering daily if everything happens for a reason. Are we all here for a purpose?  I don't know. Maybe, maybe not but I do think it's up to us to figure it out. 

Thank you to everyone from the deepest parts of my soul. Someone out there is leaving me pennies. I don't know who it is. I think it's the baby and Kirk thinks it's one of our grandparents. I find so much comfort in those pennies. Every single time I find one (or two since I seem to find them in pairs) I'm reminded it's all going to be ok. I've always said it's all going to work out and it has. Everything is ok. 

A special shout out to my brother-in-law, Doug, whose shoulder I cried on (literally not figuratively), who did the talking when I couldn't, and the listening when I couldn't hear what the doctors were saying. Thank you so very much. 

Have I said thank you?  If you sent a card, thank you. Food, thank you. A text, thank you. Money, thank you. Gift card, thank you. Flowers or a basket, thank you. A thought, a prayer, thank you. You spent more time with my kids than you ever imagined, thank you.  If I forgot something, I'm sorry. I haven't forgotten what you did for us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.