Asta la Bye Bye 2015

It's been a crazy few months. Back to school has been a fairly smooth transition. LJ still has mornings where he will cry because he's sad to leave. Our kids take the term "homebodies" to a whole new level. We left the house this week Wednesday and the kids didn't leave again until Saturday!  They would have been happy sitting here all day in their pjs, but we made them actually get dressed.

Halloween was fun, Thanksgiving was great and Christmas was out of the world fun this year. I just love hearing these two talk about Santa and his elves. I love seeing their faces and looking for Punkin every morning, which Isa did, even though she was terrified of him. 

So, here we are on January 2nd. It's been almost a year since our lives were turned inside out and upside down. A year since our lives changed forever. A year since we left behind our old selves and became a new, almost better version of who we were before. 

This is hard, you guys. I'm not going to lie and tell you it's been easy. We struggle every single day. We struggle to find the balance between who we are now as people and who we are now as husband and wife. We both know you all see it as Kirk is better and he's lucky and WE'RE lucky he's healthy, but it isn't that easy. It isn't as easy as just moving on. It isn't as easy as just taking medication and making it all ok or talking to a counselor and moving on (both of which we are in favor of).  It can't be fixed with exercise. It can't be made ok with time because while time may heal all wounds, it doesn't take away feelings. 

I'm not talking to any one person or about any one person so please, take no offense to anything I'm saying because it is about no one in particular. 

I have come to loathe sayings over the last year. I understand people have no idea what to say, I really do, but I'm begging you, when someone you love is hurting, when someone you love is coming to you because they want you to listen to them, I'm begging you to LISTEN. Don't talk about yourself. Don't talk about someone you know who went through something "similar". Don't tell them what they should do or how they should feel. Don't give unsolicited advice. Did I say listen? Please, do that. Just LISTEN. Offer love, offer support, let the person know if they need you, you're there. 

I can tell you again how sick Kirk was. I can tell you all about his hospital stay, his rehab, his recovery. I can tell you how his rehab doctor told him he isn't sure if physically he will ever be his former self. And still, people don't get it. They want to know why he isn't working full time yet, they want to know why he isn't 100%. I know it's out of ignorance, I know it's because you don't see him struggle at home, I know it's because you don't entirely understand how incredibly sick Kirk was. I know it's because you have no idea what kind of impact this can have on someone whether you're the one who was sick or love person who was sick. 

Kirk and I are looking forward to 2016. We are looking forward to putting 2015 in the past. While 2015 was a crap year, it wasn't all bad. Maybe I'm a glass half full kind of person, but we learned so much this year about our friends and family and most importantly about ourselves. We learned we are stronger than we think we are. We learned each day is a gift and shouldn't be taken for granted. We learned to celebrate the little things in life. We learned kids are resilient and their love is unconditional. We learned that all bad days must come to an end and the sun is shining on the other side. We learned life is hard and when you feel like you can't handle it, keep going, because you CAN handle it. 

Life is a funny thing. It's crazy. It's unexpected. It's unexplainable. Things happen for which we have no explanation. But it's amazing. It's beautiful. It's crazy. It's fun. Life is what you make of it. 

So, here's to 2016. A new year which is bound to hold new experiences, new adventures and new stories. It's going to be better than the last. 

❤️

MRI Results

We are so incredibly lucky. It will never be lost on us HOW lucky we are. 

I know you all are tired of me talking about this; I realize that.  No one is more tired of it than Kirk, so I will do my best to make this my last blog dedicated to Kirk being sick and/or getting healthy.

Everything we have been through is more than any person should go through. It is still our everyday. It is still something we talk about every.single.day. It is still something that haunts us when we have a cough, sore throat or are just not feeling ourselves. It's something we get anxious about all the time. 

There are things I will never get out of my head and can never be erased. Seeing my husband hooked up to machines, the mad rush of doctors when he first got to the ICU, everyone asking me if he's alcoholic, the 6 days of 24 hour dialysis, hearing the beeps of all the machines, the cooling blanket on him to keep his temperature down, his puffy hands and face, the ventilator, the doctors coming in all the time, his bloody eyes, the ICU psychosis. These are a quarter of the images I will never get out of my head. Oh, but the first time he squeezed my hand; one of my only favorite memories from his 3 week ICU stay. 

I want to say we have this whole new outlook on life. I want to say we don't let little things bother us anymore, but we do. People still drive us crazy when they are driving too slow or don't say thank you when we hold the door for them. I'm guessing that's totally normal but I will always remember everyone is going through something. I've had more than one conversation with people who told me they had no idea Kirk was as sick he was. I'm definitely not saying this to talk about how great I am and how little I let on, but I will say I realized during those weeks everyone is fighting a battle and no one needed the burden of my life when they were dealing with their own problems.  I admit, though, I did want to yell at people more than once who were rude to me and tell them what was going on in my life because I'm pretty sure that's a battle I would have won (here's looking at you rude lady in the Henry Ford cafeteria who told me I was putting something non-recyclable in recycling! I mean, recycling is one of my thangs, lady!). 

Kirk got his MRI results and it was good. And we are so happy, so relieved, so thankful, so aware that not everyone is as lucky as us. I was on the verge of losing my husband and I while I wish I were exaggerating, I'm not. When his brother and I got to the hospital after he was life flighted to Henry Ford, we were in Kirk's room while all the nurses and doctors worked on him. He was conscious then, but doesn't have much of a memory of that time. I wanted Kirk to know I was there knowing he may not remember it. Each time we made eye contact I said "I love you" because I was afraid I would never be able to tell him again. 

I am lucky and grateful and thankful I can tell Kirk I love him everyday. I made it through those hard days because of him and because I knew if he made it, our life would be better because of what we had been through. Sometimes you have to go through some really shitty stuff to get to the good parts. I feel like I'm being extra cheesy right now, but isn't it true?  Life will not always be easy or go the way we expect. Life throws some major curveballs and you deal with them because you have to and because you love your family and your husband and you love the life you have created together. 

In the three days before the MRI, I found 2 pennies and three feathers (the third feather went floating passed me as I walked into Meijer). Finding them made me feel more at peace then I have about any previous testing Kirk has had done. 

We are anxious for the holidays and anxious for January. Anxious because it'll have been a year since Kirk got sick. A year I am ready to put behind us, but a year I'm not sure I want to forget. A year when we learned so much about ourselves, our kids and other people. A year that didn't go as planned and we are learning to be ok with that. Mostly because we have to and partly because what else are you going to do? Kirk is healthy (relatively speaking). The kids and I are doing well. What more can you ask for?  Our life is so good. So very, very good. 

Four Years Young

On the 22nd, Isadora turned 4. 4!  I continue to be in shock as each year passes fast as the speed of light!

Isa is our spirited child. She is my sidekick, Lincoln is her very favorite person and she is a daddy's girl. When Kirk went back to work we all had to do some adjusting, but Is had the hardest time. She would tell me, "I miss Daddy" and my heart would break. She's done better than we thought she would with Lincoln gone at school all day. However, she does tell me she's ready to go pick him up a couple hours before it's time. 

Lincoln and Isa could not be more different but they are each other's best friend.  They fight, they play, they wrestle, they make each other laugh. I stinkin' love their relationship. 

I asked Is the same questions I asked Lincoln his first day of school. Her answers:

Favorite color: pink

Favorite toy: baby

Favorite fruit: grapes

Favorite tv show: *i refuse to put her answer here*

Favorite lunch: ham sandwich

Favorite outfit: dress

Favorite game: hide and seek

Favorite snack: Goldfish

Favorite animal: zebra

Favorite book: Lego book

Best friends: Brynn and Lexi

Favorite cereal: Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Favorite thing to do outside: play

Favorite drink: orange juice

Favorite holiday: Halloween 

Favorite thing to take to bed: baby

Favorite breakfast: pears and apples

Favorite dinner: pasta

What she wants to be when she grows up: baker

Favorite song: Let It Go

Love this girl. Love this face.  Love her spunky little attitude. 

Happiest of days to our sunshine girl!

Signs from Heaven

Do you believe in those little signs from heaven?  The ones that make you feel like someone, somewhere is watching you?

A few entries ago, I mentioned that I had been finding pennies. It started when Kirk was first home and I was at the gym. I found pennies there a few times; by the weights, by the trash can in the locker room. It sounds completely random but I always found them on appointment days.  I always have found comfort in those pennies. 

Right before Kirk's appointment with the liver doctor in May, I found one penny in a parking lot at Briarwood Mall. The kids and I went into the mall while Kirk was in therapy and hung out. We were sitting in the middle seating area in the mall and when I got up to leave, I found two pennies I had been sitting on. 

Our parents have both said they find pennies in random places. Kirk found a penny in Lincoln's booster seat last week. No idea how it could have gotten in there. 

These days, I find feathers everywhere. In the yard, on the sidewalk, as I'm walking out of the gym at 6:00 in the morning. 

Last week we were out to dinner and both kids were under the table (don't judge--anything for a little peace at dinner) and when they both came back to the table, they had each found a penny. 

Last week Isa was whining because her iPhone (my old phone) wasn't working and was frozen. She gave it to Kirk and it was frozen on a picture of a penny. He didn't take a screenshot though he wishes he had. 

I don't know if any of these things are really signs from a loved one or if they are all just coincidences, but I like to think they are signs. I like to think someone is looking down on us letting us know everything is going to be ok. Someone (or someones) wants us to know they are thinking about us and they see us and they want to send us something to know they are always there. 

I hope we keep finding these little signs. I hope we continue to stumble across the pennies and feathers because the comfort I find in them surprises me. 

Kirk does need an MRI. After his appointment with the liver doctor at the end of August, she decided she wanted him to repeat his labs and also schedule an MRI. The radiologist who read his CT scan just wants to make sure there isn't another abscess on his liver. Neither of us thinks this is the case, but we do need to be sure. 

I hope these pennies and feathers we have found mean it will all be a-ok. Because in my heart, that's what I believe. 

Kindergarten for Lincoln

How did this happen?!  I never believed people who said time flies faster the older kids get. It's true!

I asked Lincoln the following questions. I haven't asked him in a couple years so

I know his answers have changed a lot!

Favorite color: blue and red

Favorite toy: dinosaurs 

Favorite fruit: watermelon

Favorite tv show: Dinotrux

Favorite thing to eat for lunch: PB&J

Favorite outfit: jeans and a button down

Favorite game: t-ball

Favorite snack: marshmallows

Favorite animal: spinosaurous

Favorite book: all dinosaur books

Best friend: Colin and Alex

Favorite cereal: Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Favorite thing to do outside: ride EZ-Roller

Favorite drink: water

Favorite holiday: Christmas

Favorite thing to take to bed at night: stuffed animals

Favorite breakfast: cereal

Favorite dinner: pizza

What do you want to be when you grow up: baseball player and paleontologist

Favorite song: Photograph by Ed Sheerhan

Can you tell he has a great love of dinosaurs?!

Today was a good day for Lincoln and no one shed a single tear!  I almost started crying this afternoon; I missed him so much!

Looking forward to getting our routine and schedule back. Lincoln has t-ball through the beginning of October so that will be hard with school. There will be a

few late nights. 

Isadora goes back to her school tomorrow for three half days a week. That means three half days a week of freedom for me!  Haha. 

Can't believe summer is over!  We had so much fun and so many adventures. There were friends I really wanted to see and I'm sorry! It just went so darn fast. 

Happy first day of school to the parents and happy day to everyone else. :)

6 Years Young

I'm finding it hard to believe Lincoln is 6. Crazy. Seems like just yesterday he was born. 

Those who know him know Lincoln is sweet, kind, quirky, lovable and he would do just about anything for Isadora. He loves t-ball, dinosaurs, sharks and fishing. I would have had a lot more kids if I knew they were going to be just like him. 

Today while we were driving home, we made a pit stop. Kirk and Lincoln got out to go potty and Isa and I stayed in the car. I was watching them as they walked into the rest area. They both turned simultaneously as a plane went overhead. Both of them turned around and Lincoln grabbed Kirk's hand as they made their way to the bathroom. I wanted to freeze time and make moments like those never stop. Lincoln grabbing Kirk's hand, Kirk taking his little hand in his. I know moments like those are fleeting but it is a moment etched in my mind; so sweet, so simple, so innocent.

Happy birthday to this kid. I miss the days of Thomas but look forward to all the exciting days ahead of us!

Overwhelming Anxiety

The anxiety is overwhelming. I mean, like holy cow I'm having trouble breathing, overwhelming. Like, my hands won't stop shaking overwhelming.  Like, holy crap, I think I am going to pass out before the appointment overwhelming. 

It's crazy. I don't know how people do it. There are people who have doctor appointments regularly where they could receive bad news.  I have no idea how people sleep and get through the days when they know anything could happen. Thinking it could be worse, thinking it HAS been worse, got me through the day. The day we went to the hepatologist and he told us we should begin the transplant process, I remember telling Kirk people had worse appointments that very day. It could have been worse. 

Yesterday's appointment was pretty much good. Repeat labs at some point soon after we get back from vacation. As long as Kirk's liver enzymes are trending downward, (they were high at his last blood draw) just follow up with the hepatologist in 3-4 months. Easy enough. If they are still high, further testing. 

We leave for vacation tomorrow. We decided against rustic camping and found a little cottage to spend the week. Looking forward to a week just hanging out, fishing, exploring and celebrating someone's 6th birthday. Finding it hard to believe this is our second to last week of summer!

I will have pictures on Instagram and post when we get home. 

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, texts. We ALL appreciate it!