A Year Ago

How different our life was a year ago. Kirk got me a journal a few years ago where I just write a couple sentences about the day everyday for five years. I am amazed how far I have come in a year. My everyday life was about wondering what was going to happen that day. Would we lose the baby?  Was the baby going to survive?  Would there be a heartbeat?  

Knowing this was a week in which we would want to reflect on the last year, we have enjoyed a few days away at a lodge in a state park; so close yet so far away from home. We are literally within a half an hour of home but we are far enough away that we have been able to relax. I haven't felt so relaxed in ages. More than a year!  It's been so good to relax and reflect. 

We spent these four days hanging out, fishing, eating s'mores, reading, hunting for frogs, playing games; it's been amazing. And thank you to Mother Nature for saving the really bad weather we thought we were destined for, for someone else's vacation.

 Right before Isa fell on the metal ring there in front of her. She's always hurting herself!

Lincoln never wants me to take his picture. He's over it!  Unless he's running or jumping. And, yes, he's in his undies. 

This pond was full of frogs!  Super fun for the kids. 

A year ago we found out the baby I was carrying did not have a heartbeat. Have you ever looked back at something and wondered how you made it through that time in your life?  I still think that about those few months daily even after a year. I don't take a day, an hour or a minute for granted. I learned a lot about myself over the course of those months and the months that followed. 

I want people to know that Kirk and I are totally ok with talking about the baby we lost. I've learned it's other people who are uncomfortable talking about it. Maybe they are worried about upsetting us, but it's ok.  We will never forget, nor do we want to. And it isn't something we can just erase from our lives. I actually wish people would talk about miscarriage, infant loss and baby loss more. 

Which brings me to a movie I hope everyone will watch on Lifetime May 17th at 8 pm ET. It is called Return to Zero and is about a couple coping with the loss of their stillborn baby. Please watch. 

There's a part of me that will always think people think we focus a lot on our loss. And, truthfully, maybe we do. We are ok with that. This has been a grieving process for both Kirk and I. We are celebrating the baby we never met.  A baby who helped me see the world in a new light.  A baby I miss even though I never met him.  A baby destined to change my world in a way I never believed possible.

Thank you to those who have been there with us and for us. And one of these days I may ACTUALLY update the blog more often like I always say I will. :)