It's been a long 23 weeks. I'd be lying if I said it were an easy 23 weeks. I had my ups and downs but today I am feeling good; like I can put this part of our lives behind us and move on. I will never forget, but I am moving on.
In one of the support group meetings I went to, someone said when you grieve, you have many bad days and a few good ones here and there. Then, before you know it, you have one good day and a week of good days and then a month. I'm definitely on the upside of this. The first couple months were really hard for me and I found myself avoiding a lot of people and situations. I would walk away from anyone or anything that made me feel uncomfortable. My anxiety was horrible. Kirk told me I hid my feelings and anxiety well. I'm happy to say today I am feeling good. I feel more like myself than I have in months.
That being said, I'm mad. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm mad because today we should be holding a new, sweet baby in our arms. I'm mad because this not only has changed mine and Kirk's lives, but the kids', too. There will always be a baby after Isa. I wonder if someday they will tell their friends or their kids about it. I'm mad because should Isadora decide to have kids someday, it may effect her pregnancy. The OB always wants to know if chromosomal abnormalities run in your family and they do now. I'm mad because I always wanted three kids and I don't know if I can handle going through another pregnancy like this one again. I'm mad because if we do decide to try again and get pregnant, I won't enjoy that pregnancy. It'll suck. I'm mad because I feel like people trivialize my loss because we knew our baby was sick so the loss shouldn't be as difficult. I'm mad because I feel like people don't take my loss seriously because I opted for a d and c over labor.
I'm mad because I had a miscarriage. I'm mad because I always believed everything happens for a reason, but there is no logical reason why we lost our baby.
When I look back at the hell Kirk and I went through for two months, I can't believe it. I feel like it was a dream. I cannot express to anyone in words how difficult those months were for us. I have a hard time believing that was us, that we went through that. I will always have irrational thoughts like I did something wrong in life to deserve this or had I just done one more good deed this bad thing wouldn't have happened. Yes, crazy and yes, I also know there is nothing I could have done to change things.
We took the week to get away with the kids and to focus on the four of us. It was exactly what we needed. Kirk and I always came up north in the fall and haven't since Lincoln was 6 weeks old. This year we stayed in Mackinaw City and spent a day in the UP, on Mackinac Island and a day just hanging out. We could not have asked for a better time or better weather. Kirk was wearing shorts. In October. In northern Michigan. Awesome!
It has been a great week for us to be thankful for what we have but never forget what we lost. I will always celebrate October 10th. It is a date I will never forget. My heart will always have a small hole where this baby should be. I am moving on, but I will never forget.
Thank you to everyone for all the cards, texts and messages we received in the last week. It means so much to us.
I vow to do better with my poor blog and update everyone more on our goings on. Promise!!
