I had a miscarriage.
There. I said it.
We learned we were expecting the very beginning of February; it seems like years ago. I can tell you it wasn't planned and we were surprised. I can also tell you nothing felt right from the start. I had blood work and an ultrasound done at six weeks. Everything looked good. After telling the doctor this was an unplanned pregnancy, she told me this baby must be destined for great things and I believed her. It was at that moment I became a little more excited and a little less apprehensive. Still, I looked up every single pregnancy symptom like this was my first baby. The nurses at the OB office told me every pregnancy is different. Blah, blah, blah...
After the 12 week appointment, the doctor ordered an ultrasound based on symptoms I'd been having. After that ultrasound, the u/s tech consulted with a doctor and scheduled me for another u/s the following week.
It was at that u/s we learned the baby was sick. Actually, the baby was "in trouble" and diagnosed with hydrops. We later learned the baby had Downs.
When the 16 week appointment rolled around, Kirk and I both knew the chance of there being a heartbeat wasn't likely. The doctor had told me during a recent phone conversation, the cramping I was having could be nature taking it's course. And IF the baby survived until the anatomy scan around 20 weeks, she would be able to tell us how long the baby will live. It all sounded so ominous.
Nothing can prepare you for not hearing or seeing your baby's heartbeat. Nothing. We knew it could happen and we both thought we were prepared for that. Honestly, I thought we would feel a little relief if there was no heartbeat because we could move on with our lives instead of living day to day and wondering when I was going to lose the baby.
The MA couldn't find the heartbeat. The NP didn't either. The u/s tech felt horrible. She had tears in her eyes. Kirk and I both cried. We walked out of the room red eyed. I could feel nurses and doctors staring at us. I was a day shy of 17 weeks.
I had a d & c the next day.
I'm sad. So very, very sad. I keep thinking back to my first ultrasound when the doctor (coincidentally the same doctor who did the d & c) told me this baby was destined for great things. Or when I woke up in recovery and could feel one tear going down my cheek as if I had been crying during the surgery.
I had dreams for this baby. Hopes and dreams. We knew fairly early on we may never meet this baby or be able to hold him (I'm convinced he's a he) but I had imagined our lives with him in it. I know he may have been sick, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Mother's Day this year is bittersweet. A week ago I lost a baby but I am lucky and thankful and blessed to have two crazy, hilarious kiddos at home who keep me going. If it weren't for them and Kirk, I would still be curled up in bed.
I have days where I feel like I may never be the same, like this has changed me forever. And it has, but as I've told people the past week, I will not let this define me. I will not become a spiteful person because I've had a miscarriage. I may be a little stand-offish and quiet for awhile and I may cry at the sight of babies and I may want to scream at someone complaining about their pregnancy and ask them if they have any idea how lucky they are. But, I'm not the first to lose a baby and sadly, I won't be the last.
Life will go on.
Thank you to everyone who has supported us the last couple weeks. The cards, the flowers, the food, the random acts of kindness, it has made things easier for us. Thank you to my family who I have been relying on and to my friends who have been there for me. Thank you for saying the right things and listening to me cry.
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life. Especially my mom who has been there for me the last couple months. I love you. I can't say it enough.
I am celebrating Mother's Day with new eyes. Eyes I never imagined I'd have, but here I am. Maybe the baby wasn't destined for great things here on earth, but maybe he was destined to teach us a thing or two about life. And that in itself is pretty great.
