Moving On

It's been a long 23 weeks. I'd be lying if I said it were an easy 23 weeks. I had my ups and downs but today I am feeling good; like I can put this part of our lives behind us and move on. I will never forget, but I am moving on. 

In one of the support group meetings I went to, someone said when you grieve, you have many bad days and a few good ones here and there. Then, before you know it, you have one good day and a week of good days and then a month. I'm definitely on the upside of this. The first couple months were really hard for me and I found myself avoiding a lot of people and situations. I would walk away from anyone or anything that made me feel uncomfortable. My anxiety was horrible. Kirk told me I hid my feelings and anxiety well. I'm happy to say today I am feeling good. I feel more like myself than I have in months. 

That being said, I'm mad. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm mad because today we should be holding a new, sweet baby in our arms. I'm mad because this not only has changed mine and Kirk's lives, but the kids', too. There will always be a baby after Isa. I wonder if someday they will tell their friends or their kids about it. I'm mad because should Isadora decide to have kids someday, it may effect her pregnancy. The OB always wants to know if chromosomal abnormalities run in your family and they do now. I'm mad because I always wanted three kids and I don't know if I can handle going through another pregnancy like this one again. I'm mad because if we do decide to try again and get pregnant, I won't enjoy that pregnancy. It'll suck. I'm mad because I feel like people trivialize my loss because we knew our baby was sick so the loss shouldn't be as difficult. I'm mad because I feel like people don't take my loss seriously because I opted for a d and c over labor. 

I'm mad because I had a miscarriage. I'm mad because I always believed everything happens for a reason, but there is no logical reason why we lost our baby. 

When I look back at the hell Kirk and I went through for two months, I can't believe it. I feel like it was a dream. I cannot express to anyone in words how difficult those months were for us. I have a hard time believing that was us, that we went through that. I will always have irrational thoughts like I did something wrong in life to deserve this or had I just done one more good deed this bad thing wouldn't have happened. Yes, crazy and yes, I also know there is nothing I could have done to change things. 

We took the week to get away with the kids and to focus on the four of us. It was exactly what we needed. Kirk and I always came up north in the fall and haven't since Lincoln was 6 weeks old. This year we stayed in Mackinaw City and spent a day in the UP, on Mackinac Island and a day just hanging out. We could not have asked for a better time or better weather. Kirk was wearing shorts. In October. In northern Michigan. Awesome!

It has been a great week for us to be thankful for what we have but never forget what we lost. I will always celebrate October 10th. It is a date I will never forget. My heart will always have a small hole where this baby should be. I am moving on, but I will never forget. 

Thank you to everyone for all the cards, texts and messages we received in the last week. It means so much to us. 

I vow to do better with my poor blog and update everyone more on our goings on. Promise!! 

Celebrating Mother's Day in a Whole New Way

This poor blog has been neglected. I apologize. This year has brought Kirk and I into a club we never expected to be a part of.

I had a miscarriage.

There. I said it.

We learned we were expecting the very beginning of February; it seems like years ago. I can tell you it wasn't planned and we were surprised. I can also tell you nothing felt right from the start. I had blood work and an ultrasound done at six weeks. Everything looked good. After telling the doctor this was an unplanned pregnancy, she told me this baby must be destined for great things and I believed her. It was at that moment I became a little more excited and a little less apprehensive. Still, I looked up every single pregnancy symptom like this was my first baby. The nurses at the OB office told me every pregnancy is different. Blah, blah, blah...

After the 12 week appointment, the doctor ordered an ultrasound based on symptoms I'd been having. After that ultrasound, the u/s tech consulted with a doctor and scheduled me for another u/s the following week.

It was at that u/s we learned the baby was sick. Actually, the baby was "in trouble" and diagnosed with hydrops.  We later learned the baby had Downs.

When the 16 week appointment rolled around, Kirk and I both knew the chance of there being a heartbeat wasn't likely. The doctor had told me during a recent phone conversation, the cramping I was having could be nature taking it's course. And IF the baby survived until the anatomy scan around 20 weeks, she would be able to tell us how long the baby will live. It all sounded so ominous.

Nothing can prepare you for not hearing or seeing your baby's heartbeat. Nothing. We knew it could happen and we both thought we were prepared for that. Honestly, I thought we would feel a little relief if there was no heartbeat because we could move on with our lives instead of living day to day and wondering when I was going to lose the baby.

The MA couldn't find the heartbeat. The NP didn't either. The u/s tech felt horrible. She had tears in her eyes. Kirk and I both cried. We walked out of the room red eyed. I could feel nurses and doctors staring at us. I was a day shy of 17 weeks.

I had a d & c the next day.

I'm sad. So very, very sad. I keep thinking back to my first ultrasound when the doctor (coincidentally the same doctor who did the d & c) told me this baby was destined for great things. Or when I woke up in recovery and could feel one tear going down my cheek as if I had been crying during the surgery.

I had dreams for this baby. Hopes and dreams. We knew fairly early on we may never meet this baby or be able to hold him (I'm convinced he's a he) but I had imagined our lives with him in it. I know he may have been sick, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Mother's Day this year is bittersweet.  A week ago I lost a baby but I am lucky and thankful and blessed to have two crazy, hilarious kiddos at home who keep me going. If it weren't for them and Kirk, I would still be curled up in bed.

I have days where I feel like I may never be the same, like this has changed me forever. And it has, but as I've told people the past week, I will not let this define me. I will not become a spiteful person because I've had a miscarriage. I may be a little stand-offish and quiet for awhile and I may cry at the sight of babies and I may want to scream at someone complaining about their pregnancy and ask them if they have any idea how lucky they are. But, I'm not the first to lose a baby and sadly, I won't be the last.

Life will go on.

Thank you to everyone who has supported us the last couple weeks. The cards, the flowers, the food, the random acts of kindness, it has made things easier for us. Thank you to my family who I have been relying on and to my friends who have been there for me.  Thank you for saying the right things and listening to me cry.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life. Especially my mom who has been there for me the last couple months. I love you.  I can't say it enough.  

I am celebrating Mother's Day with new eyes.  Eyes I never imagined I'd have, but here I am. Maybe the baby wasn't destined for great things here on earth, but maybe he was destined to teach us a thing or two about life. And that in itself is pretty great.

Oh Christmas Tree

Going and cutting down our tree has become one of my favorite things to do each Christmas.  Last year we were a little rushed; Lincoln liked the process a whole heck of a lot less than we thought he would.  This year started out a little rocky but Lincoln totally perked up and had a really great time helping us pick out the tree.

It was the tiniest tree we have ever had.  I'm pretty sure.  We always pick a tree that looks just right when we're at the tree farm and when we get it home it's huge.  This year, we had the opposite problem: we thought it was perfect there and when we got it home it was so small!

Doughnut eating in the lodge.

 Lincoln was a huge help decorating the tree.  I had to move all the ornaments after he went to bed.  They were all at his eye level.

Isadora would not stop pulling the tree lights off the tree.  It was so darn annoying.  The worst.

And we had breakfast with Santa.  Santa scared the dickens out of both the kids.  This was right before Isa screamed like crazy.  Lincoln did manage to tell him what he wanted for Christmas before jumping off Santa's lap.

 I love the family tradition we have started of going to get a tree every year.  It is by far one of my favorite things we all do together each Christmas.

We're Still Here!

So, a couple months ago I went to update the blog when I was surprised to find I could not upload any pictures to my blog.  None!  I think I finally figured out the problem, but now I have a lot of catching up to do!

Back in October, we went to Great Wolf Lodge in Cincinnati with Kirk's brother Jason, his wife Nikki and their son Gavin.  While in Cinci, we went to the zoo.  It was such a bummer because it was pouring rain for much of our day there.  I forgot my camera in the car...or maybe I left it there on purpose due to the downpour.  I can't remember.

The Cinci GWL is awesome.  We've been to the Traverse City one, but there is something to be said for visiting a larger GWL.  It was awesome and even though we were there on a weekend, it never felt like it was packed.  Even the water park wasn't overcrowded.

Lincoln had a great time at the water park and playing with Gavin.  Gavin is a couple years older than Lincoln, but he is so good with him.  And they played really well together.

Isa: not a big fan of the water park!  :)

Saturday night there was a Halloween parade (yes...it's been THAT long!).  This was before Halloween and poor Lincoln didn't understand Halloween was more than this unorganized and chaotic parade.  After the parade he was so upset about Halloween.  Thankfully we were able to show him this was not Halloween a  few days later.

I love that there are so many things to do at GWL.  Lincoln painted a pumpkin, Isa colored and we all were able to play in the arcade.

I'd totally recommend a visit to a bigger Great Wolf Lodge.  We had fun at the smaller one, but wouldn't pass up a trip to a larger one!

Allergy Update

I will address why I've been MIA for the last couple months in another post, but I did want to hop onto my old blog and give you guys an update on our sweet sunshine girl.

A couple weeks ago, Isa had blood drawn to check her allergies. They were checking for a dairy allergy, egg allergy, soy allergy and peanut allergy. We went to the allergist today anticipating a skin allergy test. However, when he saw her blood work results, he said there was no need for a skin test. Little Miss Isa still has her dairy allergy and has developed an egg allergy.

Bummer.

He described her dairy allergy as moderate and her egg allergy as slight, but was totally confident she would grow out of them. He also said you can have one of three things happen when you expose your child to something they are allergic to: no reaction, skin reaction or vomiting, anaphylaxis, etc. You decide if it's worth the risk.

We were surprised by the egg allergy. And, I'm going to be honest: he did say to avoid eggs last time we saw him, however, I still gave her eggs in stuff just not straight up eggs. She has never had a sign of a reaction.

I know there are theories out there about allergy development. I've read them all, I've heard them all. We didn't start Is on solids until she was nearly 7 months. That's right: I solely nursed her until she was 7 months old. I know someone whose pediatrician said it was fine to give their kids anything and everything after the age of 1. Other pediatricians have the "this but not that" mentality; eggs now, peanut butter later, whole milk now, shellfish later.

Maybe I nursed too long and didn't expose her to food soon enough. Maybe I exposed her to some foods too early. Maybe it's hereditary seeing as I have a certain sister with food allergies...well, we can't totally blame her. Or can we? :)

Whatever the case, it friggin' sucks. No beating around the bush. We haven't changed our eating too much. I've heard people strip their houses completely of whatever their kids are allergic to, but I've also heard the opposite. Personally, I lean toward having the foods around and in the house. I mean, that's the real world, right? And Lincoln has totally been way interested in Isa's allergy. I want him to be aware and understand What she can and can't eat. Kirk and I may not always be there, but maybe Lincoln will be there to ask questions if we can't be.

It's overwhelming. It sucks. We go back for a recheck skin test in August.

Until then, we will keep trucking along. And if anyone has good ideas for egg substitutes, I'd love to hear them!

As for the bruise in the below picture (makes her look like a super hero, right?) don't ask. All I will say is Homegirl is still climbing.